The strange things that you find in space
by Andy0001z
Summary: When the boys from the Dwarf spot a BLIP on the scanner, it turns out to be something that will change their lives forever. The only problem is with no Starbug on board anymore and no Holly, can they pull together to meet this destiny head on.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok it's been a long time since I published anything, but with the news that the boys are heading back to production shortly, I thought why the SMEG not. The story is about an object that has got the boys from the Dwarf all worried, any then there is Holly, why had he gone offline.**

* * *

 _Chapter one - The Blip_

 _Inside the Navi comp room_

Rimmer is sat hunched over a console, his right leg jiggling up and down. A noise outside the room made him glance towards the door, through which Lister strolls in.

"Alright Rimmer, what you doing?" askes Lister who then proceeds to wonder over to a nearby console seat and sits down.

Rimmer has returned to looking at the screen, without looking up he says. "Nothing you need to concern yourself with Lister!"

Lister uses his feet to push off the nearby console desk and freewheels his way over to Rimmer. "Come on man you have been looking at that screen all morning, let's go and have some fun."

Rimmer snaps his head around to glare at Lister. "Listen you total git, some of us care if we crash into a moon or a star or … or … "

Lister interrupts him mid or "Or what Rimmer, there is nothing out there, there has been nothing out there four the last 6 months and there is nothing out there still, it's space Rimmer, it's big, black and empty."

Rimmer points to his screen. "Well Lister that is where you are most definitely wrong. See this blip?"

Lister leans over to take a closer look and points to a splodge on the screen. "What that one?"

Rimmer shakes his head. "No, that Lister, is the last evidence of a chicken curry you had two weeks ago, I mean this one." Says Rimmer pointing to the green blip flicking on the screen.

Lister licks his index finger and traces it over the first blip, and then quickly he returns that same finger to his mouth, sucking he pauses to consider the taste. "Nope that's not chicken, that's lamb."

Rimmers face is one of utter disgust. "You know Lister, in all the years I have known you, it still amazes me how you can totally, and I mean this with 100% certainty, disgust me."

Lister smiles. "Thanks man." Lister leans in to take a look at the second, real blip. "So any idea what it is?"

Rimmer smiles. "Well I know what it isn't.".

"What isn't it?"

"It isn't space, and it isn't dead!"

Lister moves over to one of the other consoles and glances down at a series of digits and graphical representations. "So what does Holly think it is?"

Rimmers right leg starts to jiggle again, only more so than before. "Holly isn't available."

"What do you mean not, not available?"

Rimmer shifts in his seat. "He's gone offline."

Lister looked alarmed. "Offline, why the smeg has he done that?"

Rimmer gulped. "Emm, he got this err letter." Rimmer paused not sure how to continue.

Lister pressed him to continue "And…"

"And, he just switched himself off, said something about a millennium bug."

Lister frowned. "He turned himself off because of a bug?"

Rimmer nodded.

Lister got up and stared out of the window. "So if it's not space, what the smeg is it?"

Rimmer handed Lister a readout, Lister studied the sheet, then studied it again. "But that's not possible."

Rimmer clenched his fist and bit it. "I know" he said through a mouth full of fist.


	2. Chapter 2

Lister looked out of the small view port window and rubbed his eyes for the third time in as many minutes, he was just making sure that what he was staring at was really there.

Finally he spoke. "It's Earth."

Rimmer shuffled on the spot. "Yes, it looks like Earth, but what is it's not Earth."

Lister shot Rimmer a sideways look. "What do you mean, not Earth?"

Rimmer stopped shuffling and placed a finger on his lower lip as he spoke. "Listy, Listy, do you really think we finally made it back, I mean at last check it was 3millon years away."

Lister had returned to the beautiful vista of a blue and ever so green planet. He spoke softly. "What if Hol got it wrong? What if he went round in circles for three million years and we were in fact not 3 million years into deep space just 3 million years into the future?"

Rimmer considered the point. "OK, so it's Earth 3 million years in the furture, any life on the planet will have either died out or not even recognise you as anything other than something that crawled out of a kebab shop at 4:30am."

"Hey, I've evolved!" retorted Lister

Rimmer snorted. "Sure Lister, big wow, you can not tie your shoe laces, no wait maybe they will think your balancing a beer can trick on your forehead is the new pinnacle of evolution. Yes I can see it now, whole cities of people walking around with beer cans balancing on their heads."

"Smeg off Rimmer, I've got skills."

Rimmer shook his head slowly. "Lister face it, to them you're dead just like me, a piece of history, only worthy of a job at a museum, smiling at the little evolved creators as they walk by."

Lister ignored him and smiled at his new train of thought. "What if it's not 3 million years in the future what if we have stumbled through some strange space thingy that has brought us back here to my Earth, my time?"

For a moment Rimmer looked worried, then he pulled his trade mark smirk. "Lister are we, no correction you that lucky, I think not. In fact this is more likely to be some sort of alien trick to lore us in and do strange sexual things to our bodies."

"You think?" said Lister doubting his first thought. "What if you are right, what if this isn't Earth at all. We need Holly."

Rimmer shook his head. "Lsiter no can do, he said under no circumstances should he be turned on until at least two weeks from now."

Lister sighed. "Let me guess, we come into StarBug range in less than that?"

Rammer's face broke into a worried smile. "Yep, you my laddo are more smegged than a Cuban street dancer who has just realised wearing fresh Pineapples over ones breasts and jiggling up and down, is not a great idea."

"Ok so have you tried the communications unit?" asked Lister pointed at the far desk.

Rimmer looked uncomfortable. "No."

"Well then." Said Lister, "Let's tell them the good news."

Rimmer frowned.

"The boys are back in town." Said Lister as he sat back and flipped a cigarette out of his ear with one finger catching it in his mouth in one fluid motion.


	3. Chapter 3

Kryton pressed the iron hard down onto a pair of already well ironed boxer shorts. "Pssssst." Went the iron.

"Oh it's no use you complaining Mr Iron, some of us have bigger worries. I mean you're not the one about to become redundant as a pair of last years bright orange speedo's that were oh so popular."

"Pssst…" went the iron a second time.

Kryten ignored it but continued his mini rant. "No, you're OK, with your little hard hot bottom, doing your boring little job day in day out, not like Mr Lister is going to need you when he's running around with all his new Human friends."

The iron erupted a large jet of steam. "Guuushhh!"

Kryten set the Iron down in its upright position and checked the view port again, his eye's zoomed as far as they could go and he didn't like what he saw one little bit.

Kytons Radio crackled into life with the sound of a rather excited David Lister. "Kryten, you there?"

Kryten stood up straight and put his hand up to his ear. "Yes Mr Lister, what can I do for you?" he asked innocently, giving no indication to his alarm at what he had seen.

"Kryten, you need to get up here pronto, I think I'm home!" said Lister excitedly.

Kryten paused for a second, causing Lister to prompt him. "Kryten man, you there?"

Kryten hit his transmit button. "Yes Sir, I'll be right up, that's wonderful news." He lied.

* * *

Lister and Rimmer sat at the communications station, while Rimmer sent the standard space directive greeting from the mining ship RedDwarf.

"Greetings we come in peace, and we surrender totally and utterly, thankyou."

Lister frowned. "Rimmer, let me do that."

He spoke slowely and as clearly as he could. "Come in please, this is David Lister on board Space Corp deep mining ship RedDwarf, is anybody receiving this?"

The radio crackled and returned to silence.

Rimmer shook his head. "See I told you, Aliens, they are toying with us!"

Lister tried again. "Come in please, this is David Lister on board Space Corp mining class ship RedDwarf, is anybody receiving this?"

Still nothing.

Lister looked up to see Kryten and the Cat walk in together.

"Kryten man, can you take a look at this communication unit, I am not sure it's transmitting."

Kryten looked down at the unit and spoke to it. "Now look here Mr Communications unit, you be nice and send your message for Mr Lister here."

Lister looked puzzled. "Errr don't you want to have a look at the circuit board or something Kryten?"

Kryten nodded and proceeded to bend down and open the small housing door on the front of the station, then he peeked inside. After a short look he closed the door and stood up.

"Well?" asked Lister

"Well all looks fine in there sir, maybe could use a bit of a clean, shall I get my soapy bucket?" asked Kryten.

Lister was not smiling. "Kryten man, what the smeg are you doing, No I don't want it cleaned with soapy water, why are you stalling?"

Kryten looked as guilty as any mechinoid could with angled features. "Oh sir, it's just I don't want you to leave me." He blurted.

Lister frowned. "Leave you, why would I leave you?"

"Because you will be wanting to play with all your squishy new friends sir, down there." He said pointing out of the view port at the ever enlarging planet.

"Oh…" said Lister. "You think I'm going to leave you behind, no smegging way man, who the smeg else is going to iron my boxers!"

The Cat joined in. "You're leaving, why am I the last to know these things, I would have gotten myself a present."

Lister held up his hands. "Listen I'm not going anywhere…yet and if I am, you lot are all coming with me. Now Kryten can you fix this communications station or not?"

Kyten nodded his head and set to work.

After five minuites of pulling and pushing this lead and that, Krytens head came up from the communications unit door. "Give it a try now sir." He said.

Click .. "This is the mining ship Red Dwarf, is anybody out there?" asked Lister.


End file.
